I don't know if you feel this way, but when I'm down I like to go to the ocean. Granted I don't live anywhere near the ocean but I guess a river will do. I like to sit on the edge, my toes touching the icy surface. It gives me a weird sense of serenity, this feeling of total control. I can drown or not. I can take in water instead of air, or I can stare out and breathe in the breeze. My moment of understanding. I know. I can have expectations by the water, I can have dreams. I know what will happen next. I can chose it.
So I drove to the river and I balanced myself on the edge, a deep breath and got off. I got back into my car and left.
Life will never be like that. There are too many variables - what ifs? And maybes - but I felt okay for 5 min and I guess that will have to do today.