Part 3

          ​I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, or if you recognize yourself in these posts – it isn’t about shaming you or anything like that. It isn’t even about you – not really. Why is it that what I look like feels like a barrier? it is holding me back more than skin should. I am held back, and it hurts so much.
          I was travelling a little while ago, and I was with someone I’ve been interested on and off for a few years. We are alone. We are spending time together. We’ve flirted recently online… and then I was there. I travelled to see them. I was right there, I could have made some semblance of a move – but I didn’t. It was like the last few men, the words of my grandmother had become weights that held my feet down in the pool. Go for it, you’re beautiful.
          No. I sat there, and I waited. I waited while my heart skipped three beats at a time – I waited, and nothing happened. I felt gross and ugly, and instead of going dancing with him the following night – I stayed in my hotel room, I ate food, I went to bed early and spent the while of it crying and upset.
          This was my fault. I let my fears and the voices hold me. I let the posters on the walls, the adds on TV and on the Instagram tell me that I am not a sexual beautiful being. I let it hold me back. But then again, it holds him back. Every him that encounters a fat woman, who doesn’t give her more than a quick glance because of her body. Won’t look beyond the rolls to see the brains, the heart. I am afraid, when I look at you, that that is all you see. I am afraid that my skin is the forcefield around keeping me at arms length, when I just want to embrace.
           Now, many of you know – at least those who know me personally – I recently left a job, where I was constantly let hurt not just of my weight. The amount of times, men would suggest the keto diet not knowing how sick I got on it. I was throwing up and ill and just depressed and suicidal. So, I nodded and thanked them for the suggestion, then went to the back store and cried. Now only were the clients like that but looking on my Instagram and admiring the beautiful plus size women in my timeline and then, having my boss lean over my shoulder and comment about how it’s too bad they have such pretty faces or she’d be so hot is she was thinner. He even so much as made jokes about leaving the mother of his child if she gained weight, that he expects her to be that size since he met her that way. He generally made comments about women constantly.
            So, now you’re all reading this and thinking… what do I do then? Call out people who shame bodies (anyone’s bodies). Tell them it’s not okay. Report them if you must. Tell your friends they are beautiful – not just those who are conventionally beautiful but remind those who may not hear it all the time. It seems dumb and superficial – but let your loved ones know that they are seen, they are beautiful inside and out.
          I don’t know what is going to happen next, and maybe that man I travelled to see, maybe things will happen, maybe they won’t but what I do hope is that as time passes, I’ll have less and less stories and situations like these. That any fat people; male, female, non-binary or trans; regardless of how you identify, that you are loved, that you are seen for every wonderful thing you are. 

Part 2

               I am a fat woman. I am constantly wondering if I should bother to walk into stores, knowing I likely do not fit into their largest size. I am a fat woman. I am always wondering if I can make the move in romantic situations, because the world sees my body as a problem. Spoiler! Its not. That doesn’t really change how I feel though, everyday in my body- this body that at every turn is too much but simultaneously not enough. I am too much for the eyes, too much for the seams of my pants, too much for the largest bra at the local Victoria Secret – not to detract but fuck you guys, and that’s one reason why you’re closing – I am too much for your hands, squeezing my sides, my curves, they are all too much. Then, flip side of the coin. I am not enough. My face is not pretty enough, to compensate for my size; I am not funny enough to distract you from my double chin when I laugh; I am not good enough to love. Now, I know this to be untrue. I have fallen in love twice in my life so far – I know I deserve love and I know that it's possible because I’ve experienced it.
            Then again – there’s so much about those times I fell in love that made me question this. The first time I fell in love, they left me for someone else. Now this person was not necessarily prettier or smarter or better than me – in all honesty, this girl is not a nice person but that isn’t the point really. The fact is, I was left for someone else. This sent me into a spiral; the spiral I would find myself in constantly thereafter. The person I love has left me. For. Someone. Else. This was something I really could not come to grips with or understand even. So, there it went, my thoughts about my size, my beauty, my worth. If I had been thinner, they never would have gone. They would have fought to stay with me. No.
            The second time I fell in love, was with the man I thought was going to be forever honestly. I had loved before, but I knew back then we wouldn’t be together forever, that things like this don’t last – but with him. Oh god. With him, I knew deep in my soul that this was it for me. How could I even look at another man again? If you asked me what I dreamed of in love and life, he surpassed all. Even writing this now, I think that still… to an extent of course. Sometimes great flames are just that, flames that leave you burnt. He broke up with me because he was supposed to leave the country and it hurt to be around me. We cried, we fought, I cried, I fought, I cried some more – and I fought. He had his own things to deal with and I just couldn’t let what we had go. That’s how we ended. I was broken, and he was angry. That’s how we remained for a long time.
             Later, I found out he wasn’t leaving – in my mind, the fighting and all the bullshit in between, it was irrelevant, we could be together again. No. He had already started dating someone else – and she was thin. Then I started to question our entire time spent together. Why didn't we go out as much as I wanted us to? Why wasn't he flaunting me around? Was he embarrassed by me - was the fat girl he kept behind closed doors, and when I wanted more he created a ruse to get rid of me? Again, the spiral began. I didn’t want to go out. I comforted myself with food, which just continued the cycle. I am too much. I am not good enough.
            While I never fell in love with this other man, this story also seems fitting to include here. He was a friend, he chased me for a long time, and I made him wait because I was still heart broken. Now, I don’t know what happened, but suddenly, I was ready – I saw him in a light I hadn’t before. This ended quite abruptly. I told him that I now felt the same way and that I was ready, but there was someone else in the picture. He decided to date her instead of me. I once again I spiraled and not because he liked someone else – that shit happens all the time, we live in a fast pace world. The issue was when I met her. She was beautiful with perfect skin, and a body I could only dream of having. Then she opened her mouth, and she was vapid and dumb and the type of girl he and I used to make fun of. Spiral. Once again.
             There are countless times where I find myself disappointed and blaming my body when a lot of these things were happening to me. My body was not to blame. How society feels about my body is to blame; how it perpetuates certain ideals that I can not fit. The not so silent waves of comment online and off, telling potential to overlook me, that they can do better.
            All this to say, this weekend I was with someone and he is someone I’ve crushed on for a few years (I’m not a player, I just crush a lot) and we had dinner, went swimming and while we’ve been flirting via text, nothing came to fruition in person. I have become afraid of this rejection, this constant fear of being told that I am not good enough, that I am not loved…So I say nothing. I do nothing, and I wonder why I am still alone. 
                 I wish the world loved me, my body – fat women – like I do. I don’t want to have to be afraid of showing people love, being loved by others. I am just tired. I am tired. 

Part 1

Part 2 >> 

- Antigoni 

Hello Lovelies,
As many of you know I am very active and open about mental health and the issues among young people here in Canada and all over the world. That's why I joined Jack.Org when I started at Concordia University. It is super important to me.
For those of you who do not know what Jack.Org is, we are an organization with the focus of mental health in Canada specifically getting it to young people all across the nation. And who knows better about the issues that young people face than young people! That's why Jack.Org's goal is to get us a seat at the table regarding legislation around issues that affect US and future generations!
So, what I am asking of you, is for my birthday if each and everyone of you can make a little donation for this amazing cause. Even if it's just 5$ and you skip that Starbucks coffee tomorrow or the day after. It is really appreciated and it will go far! CLICK HERE of my photo to donate!!!

Hey there lovelies!
Sorry that my site was offline for a few days! I am back and I can't wait to hear from you! I have some things in the works! Keep a look out. 

Hey lovelies!
As you know, I am a huge fan and supporter of my friends work! Gotta help your fellow artist always! So in that spirit I wanted to share with you an amazing film by my friend Johnny Cortes. The film is entitled 'Escape' an evocative portrayal of happiness, jealousy and the mundane confines of life. 

Please watch, like and share! Send Johnny all the love <3 

​#Repost